Wow, this is such a huge topic to tackle in a short essay. What’s the topic you say? Well, for me it has to do with discerning how it is that I’m going to use the gifts God has given me. Seems simple enough on the surface, right? But as a musician/songwriter it gets a little sticky at times. Allow me to elaborate a bit.
When I read a scripture such as Psalm 139: 13-16, it’s hard to imagine that when God created me, there was some sort of flaw inherent to His design. I’m thinking now of a particular characteristic He put into me, which is basically the awe and wonderment of discovery... This awe and wonderment was initially experienced in my life by experiences definitely age appropriate, yet as the same time profound; I remember specifically creating mountains or roads in my sandbox, or perhaps building a fort out of branches. What was exciting about this was the whole, “how about if I try it this way, or what happens if I change that up, what’s the result then?” While I certainly could not articulate why it was so interesting to me when I was 4 years old, I can look back now and see what it was about, that curiosity, awe and wonderment: It was about unhindered freedom…without any thought whatsoever as to whether the neighbor boy would like my sandbox tunnel or not… If I ran next door to get him and he thought it was “neat-o” well, then all the better, but if not, well that was OK, because I was on to the next thing, whatever it was.
Obviously the years go by and hopefully we leave the sandboxes behind; but perhaps we find something in our lives that we can be just as passionate about; for me it was Beatles, Rolling Stones and The Who music first. I toyed with playing guitar for a few years before I actually stated to get serious about it, I suppose around age 14. Man, it was so fun to learn new licks and chords as I began to copy Allman brothers and Eric Clapton records. Then, so much the better to find a few little buddies to try these things out in a band context. Those years were so full of innocent fun, musical growth and being completely free of self-consciousness or competiveness, these things were just not sown yet.
I think it took me perhaps longer that most to actually lose my innocence, as it pertained to understanding what a harsh and cold world it was. I really did not have an inkling of this until 1980 when John Lennon was killed.. This was, of coarse, devastating to someone who listened to Lennon belting out “Twist and Shout” as a 5 year old. A few years later I also noticed that the carefree “I’ll show you my guitar lick, will you show me yours?” aspect began to be replaced by a sort of mean spirited competitiveness; You would begin to hear things from club owners, booking agents and even fellow (albeit older, more cynical) musicians like “You’re nothing special, I’ve seen a hundred like you come and go.” This was antithetical to what my parents had shown me:that not only I was special, but you were too, same with you over there and you too! Of course, they were correct in this.
As we grow as adults and learn to see that the world is not necessarily a pleasant or fair place, we make adjustments. Perhaps we get competitive in our spirits so that we will get an edge over others who have similar gifts; we feel we have to distinguish ourselves somehow over the herd. As for me, the competitive thing came more as defense mechanism i.e. “if you refuse to accept that I may have something worthwhile here, I won’t give what you have to offer a chance, either! How do you like them apples!?” (to quote matt damon.)
When God opened my eyes to this being a part of me that needed some mending, I was appalled at myself; I think part of who God made me to be was an encourager, an appreciator of other’s gifts and who the Good Lord made them to be. When it became clear that I had betrayed this aspect of God’s gifting to me, it was, to say the least, eye opening and convicting, and saddened me greatly.
Before delving into the main point, I’d like to say hopefully I have laid some groundwork, and. with that said. I would like to lay just a bit more. There are plenty of verses in the Bible that speak to seeking the approval of Men over God…”surely they will have their reward.” If in seeking this approval we do so that we may be viewed with high status, as somebody to be respected and admired, we grieve the Holy Spirit. I can speak to this only because of my experience in doing just this. Unfortunately for us, it is often a very subtle thing, and often I have found myself having the epiphany of my indiscretion after the fact…would that I could receive the epiphany beforehand! Seeking this approval of men is especially grievous to God’s spirit if no thought is given to how we might please Him.
He creates each of us uniquely; so that we, in our totality, can be the body of Christ that is complete, no need found lacking. Gerald’s gift (more on Gerald briefly) may be in teaching adult Sunday school, a desire to see adults grow in their knowledge of the faith. Tom’s gift may be in service to youth, to help them navigate and emerge thru the peaks and valleys of puberty relatively unscathed. Kate’s gift to God’s kingdom may be to council women who have had abortions and are grieved by their course of action. Tim’s gift may be leading men’s retreats in the wilderness ala John Eldridge; Carl’s gift may be writing and leading worship songs that are highly singable.
Greg’s (ahem) gift is, like the others, is unique and one of a kind. Perhaps the broader definition of these gifts would be music and a love of working with/encouraging people; Just as Gerald needed to determine how he was going to employ his gifts for God’s purposes (whether his passion for faith-building in adults was to be realized by teaching adult Sunday school, or by getting his doctorate in theology, or by going to Seminary to become an ordained minister was really a choice that needed to be made.) so must I make similar decisions. God gives us the raw materials; perhaps it was Gerald’s charge to determine the direction and specifics of how, where and when the gift would be used. Not to say that God is silent in giving specific guidance in these matters; but in my own experience, He has given me some options, i.e. freewill.
When it comes to my own musical gifts, whether writing, recording, mixing or playing music, I have always needed it to challenge me. Also, to excite a sense of discovery or elicit dreams of complete and unhindered creative freedom in me. (much like the sandbox!) There have been times when I really sensed an excitement and immersion in being a co-creator with the Lord... a real mountaintop experience. Naturally, when one feels this sort of thing, they have a desire to have other people (Christians especially, but not exclusively) appreciate and enter into it. But this creative freedom can work at cross purposes, in a sense. Perhaps the “further in and further up” one goes, the more difficult it becomes for the general populace to enter into it; not because they are stupid or uncultured, but maybe perhaps they simply do not speak the language. I would hope that I would not be considered “stupid and/or uncultured” because I could not fully enter into (or perhaps not at all) what theology giant Paul Tillich writes about, or how he writes about it. Yet, I know he has had a huge impact on the world through his writings, and God used him in his uniqueness to offer service to the Kingdom. I can see how important it is for me to not resent others for not “speaking the language.”
There, looming large before me, is the whole question of whether or not I could write music that would be more acceptable to a broader group of people. I believe I have the ability to do that, yet I feel called, if I can use that over used cliché, to create music that is uniquely greg wollan, even if it means fewer people hear, or appreciate said music. But no matter: It’s STILL my niche in the kingdom. Perhaps there are those who will hear and be blessed by it; I know there are some who do. Here is an area where God gave me free will in my gifts, i.e. how to employ them. As I grow in my understanding of these topics, I realize there are consequences and results in this form of freewill as well… not to the degree of where my final eternal destiny shall be, but important nonetheless.
I would have liked to see my music ministry reach the degree of visibility Phil Keaggy, Michael Card or someone of their ilk has attained. But if that is not in God’s plan for me, accept it I must and ask Him to help me every step of the way; to turn the joys, sorrows, music, disappointments, health issues and family challenges over to him. While some of the disappointments (musical and otherwise) seem particularly jagged and angular at times, I know, at the core of my being, that God works for the good of all those who love Him and call on His name. I hope you re encouraged to ponder and pray over how you will use the gifts He has given you, and recognize you have “say-so” in these matters. If you are in unity with Him thru prayer/devotions/worship, He is sure to lead. You do not really have to worry about making a “wrong decision “in these matters, because you have already made the right decisions: in trusting Christ for your salivation and in deciding to do your share in the relationship with Him just as you would with family members, spouses and friends… for He is the best friend we have ever had, or will ever have.
Hopefully this will not be interpreted as a sort of “self justification.” Though there are times I feel the need to ‘self-justify,” now is not one of them; we have all been justified to past the point of what is needful. Thank YOU, God! - gw
