Greg Wollan - New Life

		New Life Hey ***, Thanks a lot for the great email and sharing some of that stuff with me; it sounds like you gave it (the marriage) a lot of time and attention. The reasons these unions crack and then sometimes completely break are varied and complex, usually. I know I have been in relationships that I feel really did not have a snowball’s chance in Hades of succeeding because of childhood experiences of one or the other of the partners. (Usually the other, I would modestly have to say; I feel blessed to have had a family life that was wonderful, I just don’t see how it could have been better.) The sooner this became clear to me the easier it was to see these relationships end. I still did not have the courage to actually terminate either one of them; the women in both cases took care of that. But truth be known, I can honestly say that I am happy that they did terminate these relationships. It is clear to me now that God had a much better plan for my life…. The thing about Kim is that she loves me unconditionally, w/ no strings attached: none of this "well, I love you, but let’s just see how this music career thing pans out before we get to serious…." stuff. I understand that a woman is conditioned to want a man who is a good provider, as she should be. I guess I know in my own heart however, that if one gives it all he’s got, keeps his head, and most importantly trusts in God, God will help him to achieve self sufficiency. This has been my experience, anyway. So, if that being the case, I could never really understand why these women would have these sort of issues with me. Maybe at those points in my life I was not in tune with God enough to experience that sufficiency. All I know is that Kim would stand by me even if I was a factory worker, for in the words of Schaefer, "with God there are no little people." I believe that statement to be as true can be… A week or so ago you asked why I had become a Christian or to tell you of my conversion experience. Some folks can point to a specific day in which they felt their lives were touched and moved by God to give them a new outlook, healing, spiritual rebirth, whatever it was they needed. (A quick note on the term " born again." Some people seem to have such a problem with Christians who apply this term to themselves or the term itself, identifying it with such characteristics as being judgmental, having a right wing political slant, hypocrisy, etc. All it really means in a spiritual re-awakening, the sort that is life changing, deep and could only come from a Divine source.) Anyway, I cannot really point to a specific time and place other than the defining moment in my life of having the intense craving to drink beer and liquor depart from me totally. Shortly afterwards, the desire to take drugs took a hike as well. Now when this happened, it was somewhat of a puzzlement to me, albeit a happy one. I had been in AA for about 4 months early in ’89, I suppose from Feb. to June when my pal Rich got married. I was sober those months, went to the meetings, read a lot about alcoholism, etc. I continued to smoke weed on a regular basis. You see, I was experiencing an incredible amount of frustration at that point in my life. I felt like my music career was definitely going nowhere, and I was so lonely for the love and companionship of a good woman. I had plenty of friends (always have, God has blessed me in that area.) but they (at that time) would sort of "poo – poo" my concerns about my overindulgence in booze and drugs, mainly because they were so immersed in it themselves… I remember sitting in my room, not really wanting to hang with those guys anymore, writing songs and recording them on my little 4 trk. Cassette machine. I would drink at least a 12 pack then raid my roommate’s liquor cabinet for any goodies I could find after the beer was gone. I sat in that room, read the Bible, read C.S. Lewis books and cried, believing in the power of God, yet feeling it was a power that for some unknown reason, was unavailable to me. What a miserable time, I get bummed out even thinking about it. But I came to realize that the loneliness and career frustrations were not the problems anymore. I knew full well that I got high to kill the pain of these issues in my life. But it became apparent that the main problem now was a spiritual illness which resulted in a dependence on getting high to make it through any particular day. (Or more accurately, every particular day) This addiction was now the issue to contend with, first, before any of the other issues could be grappled with. With this firm conviction, I began to go to these AA meetings and remained booze-free for those months. Then came Rich and Kim’s wedding for which I was best man and helping provide the music for. Also, I was moving to Austin, Texas a week after the wedding, so that was looming large as well. I fell of the wagon in a big way that night and did not stop for the rest of the year. I moved to Texas, drank lots of tequila and beer, smoked a lot of high grade pot and indulged in cocaine and crystal meth, always provided free of cost by "friends" of the band I was in. In fairness to them, it was I who chose to behave this way; God has delivered some these people in marvelous ways as well. It was during the last half of ’89 that I simply gave up, saying to God, "I have tried and failed, I cannot go on even attempting to be clean, save me if you will. I’m through, ready to die if that is what’s to be; It’s in your hands, God." I then proceeded to party up a storm, not knowing or caring if I would wake up the next morning. New Years Eve of 89’ was a debacle, an orgy of drug consumption: Pot, Coke, Crystal meth, Ecstasy, tequila, beer and hashish, no kidding. When I woke up on New Years Day in 1990, I knew it was over. I looked at the girl who was driving us back to Austin. (from Corpus Christi) She was about 40 at the time, but she was so messed up from the crank that she looked about 80 years old! Something inside me was different. I did not in any way choose to feel different, but at the core of my being a metamorphosis had begun. I just knew that I would never take a drink of alcohol or get drunk again in my life, and that this chapter in my life was over. As 4 months went by I spent some time in NYC and L.A. hanging with old friends and getting some much-needed support from them. Bless ‘em, one and all! They know who they are. I was out there trying to determine if I should pursue my music dreams in either of those 2 places. I ended up in Nashville, but the point here is that after awhile I began to see that smokin’ weed was a huge dead end, that I was living on an emotional flatline, never experiencing despondency, but surely never experiencing joy either. I still had a hard time quitting. Pot was so ingrained into the fabric of how I did everything. Soon after, I came down with the most brutal flu I have ever had in my life. I couldn’t get out of bed to eat, much less roll a joint. When I finally got better, about 10 days later, I was 10 days into being THC (the active brain altering chemical in marijuana and hash) free. I had no desire to start up again. When God tells you that your are through, You are through! As the weeks, then the months, the years began to roll on by, I began to think to myself: I think I’ve received a miracle! God has shown me his favor!" This excited me. An appreciation for the deliverance and care/love that I had received began to grow in me, with compound interest. In Nashville, I hooked up with some great Christian Musicians, the sort of artistic, intelligent believers I wasn’t even sure existed. They nurtured me, encouraged me, and helped me to grow from an infant Christian into a more mature walk of faith. I will always love and appreciate those guys for that. If you asked them, they would downplay any role they may have had, being people who possess humility and humbleness. I know their contribution, however, and so does God. As time has passed, this appreciation for what God has done in my life has only deepened and grown. My life is so filled with blessings, my wife, our jobs (I LOVE my job, something I did not believe possible; LOVE YOUR JOB?!? What are ya, nuts or sumptin’?) our home, our friends, our families who love us so. You know what? There is NOTHING I did to warrant these wonderful gifts God has given us. Even more importantly, there is nothing I did to deserve Jesus on Calvary crucified, giving himself for me as if I were the only person on the planet. That’s how much He loves each of us individually. All these blessings he gave to me such as deliverance from addiction, love from Kim, my family, etc., opened my eyes to the greatest truth: That I am so loved by God that He gave his only Son to be sin in my place. He did this for all who will accept this gift. It is clear to me that God is smiling down on Kim and I for being obedient and trying to walk in light, and being thankful for what he has done for us and given us… The things that I wanted out life that have NOT occurred are like so much "Dust in the Wind" as the old Kansas song goes. Unimportant and fleeting at best. But also, a feeling of calmness and contentment that could only be Divine in origin, as far as I am concerned. New life! So there you have it, or at least some of it. Hope this helps you understand where I am at a little bit better, and why I feel as I do. One more thing: I think it is erroneous to think of a church as some sort of "club" which seems to be the idea you may have. Not wanting to be part of an "organization" is how you put it, if I recall correctly. There’s so much more to it. If there’s not, how do you account for the fact that the congregation at Woodland Hills Church is made up Lawyers, Doctors, all the way to blue collar workers, locksmiths, cops, teachers, and all points in between, people of all different educational, family, and social backgrounds? What else could bond people of such different backgrounds and social classes? Nothing I know of except God. ***, you mentioned to me once when we were on a walk that you didn’t want to "spoil" Christianity for me; I appreciate the sentiment in that, your not wanting to wreck something that meant so much to me. I then said how you or any information you had did not have the capability of spoiling it for me. What made you think my convictions were so unstable that anything you said could dissuade me from them? Is it because perhaps YOURS are unstable, and could be open to change? Just a thought. I hope that last bit didn’t sound too aggressive… if you could hear me speak those words you would be able to tell they are offered up in love. I think we sort of understand each other in this regard. It’s just that while email has it’s advantages in being able to open up to each other concerning monumental things, it also does not allow for voice inflections to convey the emotion behind a particular statement or question. Come to think of it, I guess letters 100 years ago didn’t, either. But you know that. Take care, stay in touch, your pal, Greg Wollan Home : Buy CD's : Photo Gallery : Video : Musings : Links

New Life

Hey *****, Thanks a lot for the great email and sharing some of that stuff with me; it sounds like you gave it (the marriage) a lot of time and attention. The reasons these unions crack and then sometimes completely break are varied and complex, usually. I know I have been in relationships that I feel really did not have a snowball’s chance in Hades of succeeding because of childhood experiences of one or the other of the partners. (Usually the other, I would modestly have to say; I feel blessed to have had a family life that was wonderful, I just don’t see how it could have been better.) The sooner this became clear to me the easier it was to see these relationships end. I still did not have the courage to actually terminate either one of them; the women in both cases took care of that. But truth be known, I can honestly say that I am happy that they did terminate these relationships. It is clear to me now that God had a much better plan for my life…. The thing about Kim is that she loves me unconditionally, w/ no strings attached: none of this "well, I love you, but let’s just see how this music career thing pans out before we get to serious…." stuff. I understand that a woman is conditioned to want a man who is a good provider, as she should be. I guess I know in my own heart however, that if one gives it all he’s got, keeps his head, and most importantly trusts in God, God will help him to achieve self sufficiency. This has been my experience, anyway. So, if that being the case, I could never really understand why these women would have these sort of issues with me. Maybe at those points in my life I was not in tune with God enough to experience that sufficiency. All I know is that Kim would stand by me even if I was a factory worker, for in the words of Schaefer, "with God there are no little people." I believe that statement to be as true can be…

A week or so ago you asked why I had become a Christian or to tell you of my conversion experience. Some folks can point to a specific day in which they felt their lives were touched and moved by God to give them a new outlook, healing, spiritual rebirth, whatever it was they needed. (A quick note on the term " born again." Some people seem to have such a problem with Christians who apply this term to themselves or the term itself, identifying it with such characteristics as being judgmental, having a right wing political slant, hypocrisy, etc. All it really means in a spiritual re-awakening, the sort that is life changing, deep and could only come from a Divine source.)

Anyway, I cannot really point to a specific time and place other than the defining moment in my life of having the intense craving to drink beer and liquor depart from me totally. Shortly afterwards, the desire to take drugs took a hike as well. Now when this happened, it was somewhat of a puzzlement to me, albeit a happy one. I had been in AA for about 4 months early in ’89, I suppose from Feb. to June when my pal Rich got married. I was sober those months, went to the meetings, read a lot about alcoholism, etc. I continued to smoke weed on a regular basis. You see, I was experiencing an incredible amount of frustration at that point in my life. I felt like my music career was definitely going nowhere, and I was so lonely for the love and companionship of a good woman. I had plenty of friends (always have, God has blessed me in that area.) but they (at that time) would sort of "poo – poo" my concerns about my overindulgence in booze and drugs, mainly because they were so immersed in it themselves… I remember sitting in my room, not really wanting to hang with those guys anymore, writing songs and recording them on my little 4 trk. Cassette machine. I would drink at least a 12 pack then raid my roommate’s liquor cabinet for any goodies I could find after the beer was gone. I sat in that room, read the Bible, read C.S. Lewis books and cried, believing in the power of God, yet feeling it was a power that for some unknown reason, was unavailable to me. What a miserable time, I get bummed out even thinking about it. But I came to realize that the loneliness and career frustrations were not the problems anymore. I knew full well that I got high to kill the pain of these issues in my life. But it became apparent that the main problem now was a spiritual illness which resulted in a dependence on getting high to make it through any particular day. (Or more accurately, every particular day) This addiction was now the issue to contend with, first, before any of the other issues could be grappled with. With this firm conviction, I began to go to these AA meetings and remained booze-free for those months. Then came Rich and Kim’s wedding for which I was best man and helping provide the music for. Also, I was moving to Austin, Texas a week after the wedding, so that was looming large as well. I fell of the wagon in a big way that night and did not stop for the rest of the year. I moved to Texas, drank lots of tequila and beer, smoked a lot of high grade pot and indulged in cocaine and crystal meth, always provided free of cost by "friends" of the band I was in. In fairness to them, it was I who chose to behave this way; God has delivered some these people in marvelous ways as well.

It was during the last half of ’89 that I simply gave up, saying to God, "I have tried and failed, I cannot go on even attempting to be clean, save me if you will. I’m through, ready to die if that is what’s to be; It’s in your hands, God." I then proceeded to party up a storm, not knowing or caring if I would wake up the next morning. New Years Eve of 89’ was a debacle, an orgy of drug consumption: Pot, Coke, Crystal meth, Ecstasy, tequila, beer and hashish, no kidding. When I woke up on New Years Day in 1990, I knew it was over. I looked at the girl who was driving us back to Austin. (from Corpus Christi) She was about 40 at the time, but she was so messed up from the crank that she looked about 80 years old! Something inside me was different. I did not in any way choose to feel different, but at the core of my being a metamorphosis had begun. I just knew that I would never take a drink of alcohol or get drunk again in my life, and that this chapter in my life was over. As 4 months went by I spent some time in NYC and L.A. hanging with old friends and getting some much-needed support from them. Bless ‘em, one and all! They know who they are. I was out there trying to determine if I should pursue my music dreams in either of those 2 places. I ended up in Nashville, but the point here is that after awhile I began to see that smokin’ weed was a huge dead end, that I was living on an emotional flatline, never experiencing despondency, but surely never experiencing joy either. I still had a hard time quitting. Pot was so ingrained into the fabric of how I did everything. Soon after, I came down with the most brutal flu I have ever had in my life. I couldn’t get out of bed to eat, much less roll a joint. When I finally got better, about 10 days later, I was 10 days into being THC (the active brain altering chemical in marijuana and hash) free. I had no desire to start up again. When God tells you that your are through, You are through!

As the weeks, then the months, the years began to roll on by, I began to think to myself: I think I’ve received a miracle! God has shown me his favor!" This excited me. An appreciation for the deliverance and care/love that I had received began to grow in me, with compound interest. In Nashville, I hooked up with some great Christian Musicians, the sort of artistic, intelligent believers I wasn’t even sure existed. They nurtured me, encouraged me, and helped me to grow from an infant Christian into a more mature walk of faith. I will always love and appreciate those guys for that. If you asked them, they would downplay any role they may have had, being people who possess humility and humbleness. I know their contribution, however, and so does God.

As time has passed, this appreciation for what God has done in my life has only deepened and grown. My life is so filled with blessings, my wife, our jobs (I LOVE my job, something I did not believe possible; LOVE YOUR JOB?!? What are ya, nuts or sumptin’?) our home, our friends, our families who love us so. You know what? There is NOTHING I did to warrant these wonderful gifts God has given us. Even more importantly, there is nothing I did to deserve Jesus on Calvary crucified, giving himself for me as if I were the only person on the planet. That’s how much He loves each of us individually. All these blessings he gave to me such as deliverance from addiction, love from Kim, my family, etc., opened my eyes to the greatest truth: That I am so loved by God that He gave his only Son to be sin in my place. He did this for all who will accept this gift. It is clear to me that God is smiling down on Kim and I for being obedient and trying to walk in light, and being thankful for what he has done for us and given us… The things that I wanted out life that have NOT occurred are like so much "Dust in the Wind" as the old Kansas song goes. Unimportant and fleeting at best. But also, a feeling of calmness and contentment that could only be Divine in origin, as far as I am concerned. New life!

So there you have it, or at least some of it. Hope this helps you understand where I am at a little bit better, and why I feel as I do. One more thing: I think it is erroneous to think of a church as some sort of "club" which seems to be the idea you may have. Not wanting to be part of an "organization" is how you put it, if I recall correctly. There’s so much more to it. If there’s not, how do you account for the fact that the congregation at Woodland Hills Church is made up Lawyers, Doctors, all the way to blue collar workers, locksmiths, cops, teachers, and all points in between, people of all different educational, family, and social backgrounds? What else could bond people of such different backgrounds and social classes? Nothing I know of except God.

*****, you mentioned to me once when we were on a walk that you didn’t want to "spoil" Christianity for me; I appreciate the sentiment in that, your not wanting to wreck something that meant so much to me. I then said how you or any information you had did not have the capability of spoiling it for me. What made you think my convictions were so unstable that anything you said could dissuade me from them? Is it because perhaps YOURS are unstable, and could be open to change? Just a thought.

I hope that last bit didn’t sound too aggressive… if you could hear me speak those words you would be able to tell they are offered up in love. I think we sort of understand each other in this regard. It’s just that while email has it’s advantages in being able to open up to each other concerning monumental things, it also does not allow for voice inflections to convey the emotion behind a particular statement or question. Come to think of it, I guess letters 100 years ago didn’t, either. But you know that.

Take care, stay in touch, your pal,

Greg Wollan

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